Nerma Bella

Be strong, because the beginnings to great things are always the hardest ♥

When i read this quote, i was amazingly strucked to it. :) It’s simple, but it says a LOT though… This quote is indeed very perfectly fit for me. God knows and the people in my workplace, how I struggle a lot when I began this job. How I cried all day, how I looked down on myself, and how I planned to give up. And yes, until now, i’m still struggling and pushing myself just to work well on my duty. Every duty day, it feels like i’m going on war, not knowing whether I’ll survive or not. Everyday,I got no choice but to try to push myself to limits. The feeling of bring scared doesn’t leave me. But…hey! This quote,seems to speak it all… I don’t know why,but when I read it, it gave me a special feeling. It’s like,it’s giving me strength to face everything. I just hope this quote is right. 

Those Crying Moments

It has been days days days long since my lacrimal duct became so active. LOL. Seriously? Yes! I thought i’m going crazy. I can’t stop crying. I know im not like this before, it takes time for me to cry. But now, it’s so different. I can tell im being soo weak. This road that im taking, gives me a lot of pressures,lots of people to deal with and lots of things to learn and master. Maybe,maybe im just not used to it. It’s really giving me a hard time. It made me cry infront of other people and in front of my family. I didn’t intend it,but i just did. I dont know the exact reason behind it, it’s so vague, all i know is that im not OK. Really, not OK. Im hurt. I fear. Im disturbed. Now, I was able to ventilate things out, I just hope everything will go on smoothly from now on. I hope GOD will always give me strength to face every challenge that comes along the way. I hope I will never think of running away again. Fighting!

Last Day of My 21st Year

Today,was just an ordinary but special day for me. Did the same all routine. I woke up early and then I prepared myself for duty. But, seriously? Early in the morning, something came up and i thought it will gonna ruin my day. lol. Just bcoz of the cockcroach?!! Lmao. Anyways, it has been a busy duty. weew! A good thing to end my year? Wellah, it has been great though. Time flies fast when it’s busy. Sooo right! After duty, I went to town. ALONE as  usual, I didn’t know where to go because we changed our time for meeting. So, due to feeling so lost and got nowhere to go, I ended at McDONALDS and there I ate alone. Ok. Fries and coke float accompanied me, lol. After it, I went to  buy Red Ribbon cake for my friends. I originally planned to buy it as my birthday treat for tomorrow. Then, I went to my friends house, GG’s second home. The reason we planned to meet and eat was because of Ate Radz. She’s leaving on Monday to work abroad. We played with baby CheChe. Then, as always…we ATE!!! :) Kuya’s cooking skill is soooo AWESOME! I ate so much that I felt sooo full. Thanks to GOD! Had a loooong chitchat with the girls and boys. We missed each other so much that we had a lot to talk to. :) It was already late when we decided to go home. I thought they’ll gonna remember what day tomorrow is… but they didn’t. oohhh. The reason why i bought the cake was because tomorrow’s gonna be a special day. Anyways, it’s OK. What is important is that, I had a great time with them. I ended my year with my friends, with laughter and spent it with work. It quite fulfilling though. When I arrived home, I felt so tired. OOhh. And now,im sleepy already. So, until here for now. :)

ONE TRUE LOVE

I want something like this.

Just like any other girl in the world, i’m someone who dreams of having that “one true love” that they say. Being an ordinary girl, I also have that wishful thinking of meeting my so called “Prince Charming” or “Soulmate”. :) Seems crazy right? Well, yes i am sooo crazy about it. LOL. As I can remember, my first love thought was when I was in grade 2. I had my first crush and my first “puppy love DREAM”. hahaha. But, FYI…it’s a celebrity crush. It’s really crazy how i am able to imagine things about love and crushes in such an early age. I remember those times when I don’t want to wake up because i’m busy daydreaming. lol. But anyways, as I grow older, my dream is very different from  what life and reality gave me. When I was in high school, I had my first boyfriend…It was different from what i have always thought. Not that romantic, not that sparkling and not that momentous. Maybe , I just didn’t think much about it or maybe I was just being so childish. I entered into something even if I really didn’t feel that it’s “LOVE”. (Maybe I just don’t know what love is that time.) So there it goes,i had some few relationship which all ended unhappy? LOL. Funny but true. I had my last relationship last 3 years ago, it was when I was in Junior college already. I can say, I tried to work it all out but maybe it was just not meant to be. During my last relationship, the guy was the one who broke up with me. gooosssh! Shameful isn’t it? But,that’s the truth and I never even thought of hiding it since then. :) All I know is, I did my part and I have no regrets about it. After that relationship, I never entered into a new one already. Seriously? I’ve been SINGLE for years and years!!! HAHA. Well, im fine being single though… :) I can’t deny the fact that i miss the feeling of being “INLOVE” sometimes but it’s fine. Really, really fine. As I go along the road of singlehood plus the age of maturity, those wishful thinking is back again. Now, i’m ready and willing to wait and take it all slow so that I won’t make mistake on choosing that “One True Love”. :) Whether LOVE is true or not, as of now, I have faith on fairytale like reality love story. :) I still hope that in this lifetime,GOD will give me a chance to meet that “ONE TRUE LOVE”. I’m willing to start a new life by doing the right thing with the right person SOMEDAY :) a GOD given person. 

Why does it keeps on getting harder each day?

Another day is about to end. I thought everything’s going on so gooood. But again… :( It’s another hard day for me. I tried to be confident enough for it. But, at the end of the day, they ate up all my confidence and made me feel like i was being so low and stepped on. Being asked and told so, face-to—face about your weakness, is indeed a difficult thing to face. It was a moment when, all i wanna do is disappear right away from their sight. They’re taking it so easy while im taking it on a hard way. It feels so awkward to be compared with someone you know that they think is much better than you. You can’t even think of anything worth saying to yourself. All you can do is suck up all their criticism. It made me feel so low, and so I kept telling myself not to cry that moment.I forced a smile and a laughed. I made them think that it’s okay, and I wont cry. But as i went home… I found myself going home to GOD. I went to my fave church and there… I unmasked myself, free my tears and let GOD hear it all. I cant help but ask him why I feel so out of place…why everything’s getting harder each day… why everyone seem to look down on me…This is it, nothing’s going smooth as of now… what should i do? LORD.

Haven’t Feel the Summer

Again,another summer is about to end, but that truth is…I never even feel it. Wew! While others are enjoying the beach, parties, and vacations, i’m here fighting towards my career and future. But what can i do? As always, i have “NO CHOICE”! Anyways, i hope you guys had a blastful summer. Feel the heat. Be tan.  Do the summer fashion. :) 

:x CRIED HARD :x 5/14/12

BOOM!!! This day is such a blast! Seriously? I never thought I’ll reach to this point. This past few days I feel like i’m going to the battlefield each day. The feeling of always wanting to give up is always there. I never thought i’ll be as coward and as fearful like this. Due to all these emotions, my mind and my heart wanna explode already. and YES! it did explode today. Early this morning, me and my seniors had the time to make some “chit-chat”. While we were talking,we came up to the topic of being ready for work,expectations from the area,etc. I was like, oooohhmy! Im dead. And so, just a few minutes after, i found myself crying already. I couldn’t help it. I cried it all out and spoke about what I really feel. After it, my seniors gave me some advice and they have been pretty good though that they made me cry even more. They were like angels in disguise. Last night I prayed to GOD and asked for guidance on my work. And maybe yes, He did answer it this morning. It feels like my seniors were speaking on His behalf. After it, I was feeling a little bit stronger and more eager to work. I dont know where yet it will take me,but there’s this something  inside of me telling I just have to go with the flow and let GOD handle it all. It made realized too that Im slowly changing to a more sensitive and more outspoken person. Now, I can ventilate my feelings to others already. But,hey! Now that crying is over, when I think of it….I feel ashamed of what i have done. LOL! Seriously? I just cried out to people I dont even know that much yet. OK. What’s done is done. :) Just wanna thank GOD for it and goooo… Just go with the flow. 

Will I be forgiven?

Here’s this thing again. I can’t help but think about it. Will GOD forgive me if I’ll let go of this opportunity now? I just can’t find the confidence to face it. :( I know I asked for it but i’m just not sure if it is what I really want or what I really need. All the people around me say that it will gonna be alright. It may be hard at first but it will be better soon. I tried to believe on what they say, but everyday, it seems my heart is feeling heavier and heavier. It feels like i’m forced to do something out of the line. I don’t wanna feel this way but I just can’t stop it. I say sorry to GOD for wanting to let go, for being so coward, and for being dreamless for now.